In stories of chivalric fame, the brave defender of the kingdom was frequently depicted as a fancier of another mans wife. The Troubadours and poets were not ashamed to admit the affections went both ways, and were frequently open secrets to all who observed them. Nevertheless, the codes of chivalry prevented them from anything more than a chaste exchange of vows, a common understanding, and the privilege of bearing the lady’s standard into battle while she cheered for her champion from the sidelines.
However, the stories also had a darker side, when the chivalric couple turned to the darker side of lust, when they gave into their carnal desires. Chivalric unrequited love could maintain bonds between a kingdom, but, infidelity could destroy it in an instant. The couples knew the delicate dance that they weaved among dark age court circles, and flirtatious glances, or perhaps a chaste kiss on the cheek were the most they could hope for, if they were to remain as upstanding and productive members of their society.
In modern times, such ideals have been forgotten. The loves that are emphasized are either infidelity, romantic, or forgotten, but, never chivalric. The romantic is self explanatory, between two mates meant for each other that have the fortune to find each other in the great big sea of life. Arranged marriages being a thing of the past, infidelity is no longer an excuse to find romantic love, but, simply a reduction to lust, a convenient escape from a doomed marriage, a partner straying while the other stays true. There is nothing but destruction with infidelity, but, the difference is, whereas in the past, marriage was a duty, now it is a choice, so the choice to betray it is twice as devastating to all involved.
Forgotten love is perhaps the closest thing to chivalric love today, and since this is perhaps the first time the term has been used, Forgotten love is when one person loves another, and the other person is either unaware or dismissive of their affections. We see this in teen romance novels all the time, but, its expression in real life is very real. It would be nice to flatter it as an expression of chivalric unrequited love, but, it is a one sided infatuation instead of a meeting of two hearts. At its best, it is a shy glance, quickly turned away. At its worst, it is stalking and obsession (and all that goes along with those two sins) Forgotten love is a degradation of the once noble practice of chivalric love.
Forgotten love and true unrequited Chivalric love share one common characteristic: The idealization of the other. The victim of forgotten love, or the participant in chivalric love sees their beloved as a model of perfection, a reification of all that they would like to hold good and true in their hearts. It in itself may be true or false, but, since it is never put to the test, the lover never comes to test their ideals in the real world. They simply exist in the realm of fantasy and romance and do not emerge into the harsh light of truth.
For real love is work. Real romantic love requires understanding, sacrifice, and long agonizing nights spent learning about one another. Real love is when you stroke the hair of your sleeping partner, and see beauty in their eyes. Since Forgotten and true Chivalric love do not experience these moments of work, of tolerance, of understanding your partner snores, they exist forever in the fairy tale realm of their minds. They are trapped in a black hole of their own making, and their hearts yearn for what can never be instead of what is.
Can both function together? Absolutely. You can love your life partner very deeply, while feeling unrequited love for another. This does not violate the traditional maxim of only being able to love one true soulmate, since humanity is infinitely complex, and so long as the love outside the physical world remains unrequited, it exists merely as a healthy fantasy. The second it leads one into infidelity, even so much as a stolen kiss at the expense of ones actual life partner, it devolves into infidelity, and is no longer worthy of praise or of respect.
So long as Lancelot and Guinivere were chaste and apart, they were a source of inspiration to all. The second they lay with one another, they destroyed King Arthur, his trust in his knights, the code of chivalry, and all around it. The same is true of modern forgotten love (and perhaps a few remnants of unrequited love) so long as it remains as an ideal, as a fantasy, it is inspirational. Do not stray from your life partner, and you may have all the fantasies that you like.
I know this is true, not just from myth and from legend, but, because 10 years ago I met the unrequited love of my life. At first I refused to believe it, it was a chance meeting, and she had no more regard for me than anyone else she met in her travels, but, in my mind, she was the very definition of a woman. As time passed, we became good friends, but, always remained chaste. I flatter myself by calling it unrequited love, because I have never told her my true feelings, due to respect for her situation. But, I remember looks she has given me, certain things that she did, and I know that I was in her mind, even when she was not in my physical presence.
I have a wonderful life partner, who means the world to me. I love her to death, and I have often spent a sleepless night pausing to think how lucky I am to have her at my side. I would never do anything to betray her, or her confidence. Yet that woman from long ago still continues to lurk in the corners of my imagination – and ironically, she inspires me to stand firmer by my partner, and show my life partner more love than I would be capable of without my forgotten one. Because I know what it is like to be forgotten, and I never want my beautiful wonderful lady to think I would forget her in real life.
Yes, I see my chivalric love on occasion, and we have talked many times since – sharing at most a hug, once a kiss on the cheek. But, that was all in the past. Now, my body and my soul belong to my physical partner alone, and they are hers to dispose of. Still, there is that one tranquil garden, in the back of my mind, where my feelings for my unrequited love are free to roam, to express themselves. Sometimes I even like to watch them, like a snow globe, knowing they are safely contained, never allowed out of their little sphere. The real world of my love for my partner is infinitely bigger in comparison, and vast.
So, which is my soul mate? Who knows? Perhaps both. But, the one I spend time with, and who chooses to spend time with me is the one who is worthy of my worldly and personal affections. A small sliver is all that is left for the one who holds sway over my chivalric feelings. But, they both have a place in my psyche, one driving me to higher heights, the other grounding me, and holding me true to what is real, and good, and proper in life. Because if the barrier between the two ever broke, the chivalry would be lost, and I would be no better than a common philanderer.
I need them both in my life to make me whole, one as a ghost, the other as the one I cling to in my heart. Yet sometimes, late at night, when our thoughts descend to their darkest places, I cannot help but wonder
What if?
jayrsworld 